4 Terrible Life Lessons I Took from Films

A few times a month, my boss will send me an email detailing things I "should of" done. Said boss was very vocal on Brexit even though he says "grab a quick drink" like an American. He likes Fast & Furious and "a cheeky Nando's". He's an idiot. And as far as society is concerned, I am a step below him. I've mostly made my peace with this, and it's been a long process of looking back and owning my mistakes. That said, I do blame films to a large degree, because that's easier. Here are 4 damaging ideas I wish I could slap out of my younger self before they took root.

(Note: I still really like all of these films.)

1 - HARD WORK IS FOR SQUARES

MAIN OFFENDER: AMADEUS

Twenty-something Mozart is a prodigy. He farts out the kind of perfect, heavenly melodies that make grown men cry - all while goofing around, enjoying life. Salieri is the consummate serious musician. His music is fine, but it has no soul because neither does he. He tries too hard, man! The old sourpuss is driven slowly insane with jealousy and begins to plot Mozart's downfall.

OTHER EXAMPLES: Good Will Hunting, Happy Gilmore

WHY IT'S A LIE:

The idea that making an effort to develop a talent is somehow taking something away from that talent, was so deeply ingrained for half my life that I wonder how I ever got through school. It was never even a conscious thought I could then ponder - it was just the way I saw life. The kids who did their homework on time and never got detention - they were the Salieris of this world. They will do OK in life but they don't have the right mental makeup to ever enjoy it. Me? The work I can be bothered to turn in is often better than theirs - and if I ever do make an effort it will blow your mind! Maybe it was my brain justifying my laziness.

I suppose it's only natural as a child to assume you're the Chosen One. I just wish I'd grown out of it sooner than I did. The truth is, talent (assuming you have it) is only one-third of the equation: hard work and networking are just as important. You will never get anywhere without working on yourself, putting stuff out there, and at some point catching the attention of someone important. All the talent in the world is useless unless applied. Edgar Allan Poe wrote prolifically, but was famously rubbish at endearing himself to people, and lived in poverty all his life. This probably bleeds into...

2 - IT'S COOL TO BE A CLOWN

MAIN OFFENDER: CKY LANDSPEED

If you've ever watched Jackass, you've probably seen excerpts from the first CKY film without knowing it. Bam Margera's mix of skating, pranks, comedy skits and original music birthed a whole genre. It also taught a generation that hurting yourself and risking your life is a legitimate career path.

OTHER EXAMPLES: Jackass, Freddie Got Fingered

WHY IT'S A LIE:

The CKY films are legitimately great. What made them great, and what was completely lost on me, is that the guys are talented. Young Bam seemed to spend every waking hour improving his skateboarding, throwing himself relentlessly at new challenges, determined to master a sport that was wasn't even cool pre-THPS. His video editing is definitely impressive. Co-star Brandon DiCamillo may be the most talented man alive. Steve-O (Jackass) graduated from a clown college statistically more selective than Harvard. Rake Yohn is a chemist. Some others you may scoff at, but just think: the kind of charisma that endears you to successful people and audiences alike, doesn't just grow on trees.

What I'm getting at is: this was never going to be me. Or any of the millions of teenagers who had the same thought. Simply embracing your teenage nihilism and getting in people's faces about it is never going to get you anywhere good - not unless you're a very special type of person who works hard and gets very lucky. (You may get away with that first criteria if you're determined enough - but do you really want to be this prick?)

I feel like the current generation are probably more clued-up on this than we were. Times have changed. No one can afford to dick around any more. If you still use Facebook, you've probably seen some variation of this picture. Similar advice is everywhere, and you've probably tuned it out by now - but I really think it would have been a revelation to Younger Me. Self-help gurus, "life hacks" and amateur psychology seem to have replaced giggling fratboys as providers of inspiration. Let's see how it turns out, I suppose.

To go back to the Jackass guys specifically though - a few tidbits I wish I'd known:

• The "jackass" thing is largely an act. Bam was a shrewd businessman. Knoxville was a hard-working actor. Even poster-boy fuck-up Chris Raab was attending college while Viva La Bam was filming.

• Also an act? So much of the CKY footage. I feel stupid for not realising you can't kick footballs at random cars, or piss off security guards, then film your victims' reactions without their consent (they were all friends or family). Or that you can't set fire to a rental car without consequence. Or smash the windows of your parents' house just for a laugh (they were getting them replaced that day). Phil was a gentle giant by all accounts, and could have ended Bam and all his friends any time he liked.

• This video. Or the one below. There are loads more just like it. Arrested development comes at a cost, kids!

3 - DOING DRUGS MAKES YOU AN INTERESTING, TORTURED SOUL

MAIN OFFENDER: BASKETBALL DIARIES

Leonardo Di Caprio is poet Jim Carroll, who throws away what we're assured was a promising basketball career and takes up heroin instead, following the death of his friend.

OTHER EXAMPLES: Scarface, Fear & Loathing.

WHY IT'S A LIE:

I've been interested in drugs as far back as I can remember. I was fascinated by the idea that you could drink something that made you forget how to walk properly. I had to try that! I would sneak alcohol at house parties as a kid, then when I discovered that certain pubs in my town would serve 16-year-olds, I got stuck in. Most Saturdays I would drink as much as I could - never less than ten pints - and usually find my way to a bed / sofa. Other drugs followed. Thankfully I couldn't afford a proper coke habit, and the only people who had heroin were Travellers we knew to avoid. So while I emerged largely unscathed, I did put my young brain through the mill. A brain, by the way, which had developed epilepsy around the same time I started.

Here's the thing: I would have been like this anyway, at least for a while. I know I have a predisposition toward addiction, and I was dealing with a lot personally. But I didn't see things this simply. To me, I had a tortured, poetic soul as beautiful as Leo. As uniquely wise as Hunter S Thompson. People like us, we see the world differently.

I wish someone had laid it out for me how boring and pathetic this mindset is. Go off the rails and push your limits for a few years if you must - have fun, lash out, fuck up, get it out your system - but don't make the mistake of thinking it means anything. Even if anyone is for some reason impressed, it won't win you anything. Use this time to find some self-respect instead. You have your whole life ahead of you.

4 - SOCIETY HAS GOT YOUR BACK (SO FUCK EVERYTHING)

MAIN OFFENDER: MADE IN BRITAIN

Tim Roth's Trevor is the quintessential 80's skinhead, on a path of determined self-destruction, lashing out at society. Following his umpteenth court appearance, this time for a racist attack, he's taken to an assessment centre and encouraged to find a job. When he smashes the job centre window and assaults staff, he's taken back to the centre for some truly world-class life advice. His mentor then offers to take him to watch banger racing, even pulling some strings to get him involved as a driver. It's only after another smashed window, and Trevor going to his mentor's house and waking his kids up in the middle of the night, that he's finally locked down.

OTHER EXAMPLES: Fight Club, Kids, Ferris Beuller's Day Off

WHY IT'S A LIE:

What strikes me about the film now is just how relentless Trevor had to be to fall through the cracks. Society may suck at giving him fulfillment and a purpose, but it sure as shit provides for him. Even the ending, with Trevor nursing a broken kneecap in a windowless cell, is hopeful. He will learn to obey the rules, just like everyone else. What sounds somehow sinister is actually just growing up. Whether that's as a functioning member of society or behind bars forever will be his own choice. His parents couldn't be bothered developing him, but society is picking up the slack.

As a kid, I never understood Trevor's anger, but I fed off the energy of it anyway. Fuck authority! I'm free to do what I want! I refuse to be put in a box and controlled! The thought process of any healthy teenager. What I, along with Trevor, failed to understand is that the society he hates is paying for his comfortable life. The pocket money he demands isn't coming from thin air - it's the result of everyone around him playing the game. Existing in modern society may mean surrendering a piece of yourself, but I would take that over living in caves, watching my back for snakes. The fact that I don't really have a choice anyway (short of doing a Shamima Begum) is a good thing.

The underlying assumption was that society would always have my back. I had free reign to be as nuts as I wanted - at least until I was 18, which I couldn't begin to imagine anyway - at which point I could just dial it down. Trevor was my canary: if I could just be less troublesome than him, the worst I could ever hope for was cafeteria meals and a curfew. Hell, this was Thatcher's Britain and I was a 90's kid. Well, if there was ever any truth to this (and it was always dependent on the area you live in) it isn't the case now. With the economy in the toilet and over 2 million on food stamps, the financing to keep indulging your crap is gone. A few bad decisions as a kid can do serious damage.

This isn't even factoring in the internet. Footage of young Trevor acting the arse would follow him forever. So aside from being homeless or in prison, he'd probably be being spat on too. Thank God social media wasn't a thing when I was a child.