5 of the Most Overrated Things Ever

Some people would say life itself is overrated. These people tend to be insufferable. The same smart-alecks who will tell you why Noah's Ark couldn't have happened, or complain about the Kardashians. Really boring people. Anyway, I'm getting off the point. Here are four things that really are overrated.

1) SIX-PACKS

Six-pack abs is a strange goal when you think about it. That stuff is supposed to be on the inside. It has no more business being visible than your kidneys do. Back when Man had to fight and toil for his supper, he was stuck looking like that and likely gave it no thought. Then came a period of fat guys being considered attractive (especially if paired with impractical pointy shoes - the flex being that they can afford to eat too much without having to move). In less developed countries, this is still the mentality. Are you aware of that? That you can work yourself stupid with a strict diet and exercise regimen for years and years and years, only for half the women on the planet to assume you must be a farmhand and reject you?

Another obvious downside, at least if you're a Brit, is that you have very little opportunity to actually show it off. If you're lucky, you will get six weeks a year in which it's warm enough to get your shirt off in public - and even then, people are going to think you're a twat. No - a few hours at the beach if you can get to one, or when preparing to save a drowning child - these are your only opportunities to legitimately showcase your innards. And just think of all the banoffee pie you could have eaten by then.

2) COCONUTS

Coconuts are bullshit. I remember being about ten and really liking Bounty bars and Nice biscuits, and I kept asking my dad to get me an actual coconut. He told me coconuts were bullshit but I didn't believe him. He finally got me one, and later got his hammer and chisel when none of us could get it open. This was my first lesson. Next I learned that coconut milk (lots of which was now all over my shirt) is not in fact coconut-flavoured milk; it's a weird, salty water. Next, that you need panda teeth to actually break off and chew the "fruit", which may as well be bark. I'm sure we all know this by now, but at the time it was such a let-down.

3) COCAINE

For anyone that didn't "Talk to Frank", cocaine is essentially overpriced coffee which goes up your nose and makes your face numb. A nice boon if you're planning a fight, but I would argue largely pointless for anything else. Energy boost for a game of football? That's a recipe for a heart attack. A pick-me-up for a night shift? Your sniffing and nose-rubbing will be spotted quickly and you risk being fired. A little push to finish that essay? Forget it. At best, you will be pacing round your home looking for photos of people to stare down, worrying all the while about doing a Leah Betts from all the water you're chugging to counter the tangy petrol taste in the centre of your head.

But this is silly, you say. It's a party drug! You're not supposed to do it on your own! OK, so the ultimate ego-feeder is best enjoyed at the expense of others. It's nice to feel invincible for all of seven minutes, but the real fun comes from spraying verbal shit at people, unloading your brain unfiltered for hours on end, making a nuisance of yourself. While it takes away your ability to care, it doesn't make you stupid. You know you will pay for this.

Oh, and you will be awake all damn night. Make sure the party is scheduled to last that long, or that at least one of your friends intends on staying with you, or you will be alone in frenzied limbo for what will seem like forever. Except it isn't, because then comes the headache. Forget coke. It's rubbish.

4) FREE TIME

I probably sound like one of the dullards I talked about in my intro here, but hear me out. I can't tell you how many of my days off have been wasted down social media rabbit holes. Some "suggested post" gets my attention - some skateboard trick, say - and this leads to something else, which leads to something else, until my entire morning is gone and I hate myself. This isn't a new thing. Before social media it was Civ 2, or repeats of The Simpsons. It's reached a point where I don't begrudge having to go to work. Christ, please put me to work, I can't do it for myself...

Now, contrast this with time you have stolen. Some commitment you're suddenly relieved of. About once a month I'll be required to attend some work meeting, with people I've never met before, about things that don't really concern me. Since I know I won't be missed, I'll instead treat myself to an afternoon off. And let me tell you, it's brilliant. Life becomes full of possibility and wonder. The sun shines brighter, the grass is greener. To waste this amazing gift of Time by even glancing at my phone would be an insult.

I don't even go home - I wander round, checking out places I've never been before just to see what's there. I go to some pub or cafe I'm always walking past. I talk to people. I call my grandma for a chat. Stuff gets done and I love it. In my ideal world I'm always stealing time in this way. Always supposed to be somewhere; would be in trouble if found out. I'd probably be Prime Minister by now if I had the kind of drive this time theft, for whatever reason, gives me. If instead I won the lottery and just had this time anyway, I would be scrolling on my phone until my brain melts.

5) ROBERT DE NIRO

It's a common enough trope by now that being on first-name terms with Mr De Niro is shorthand for having made it in Hollywood. To be honest, I really like The Bobcat. Not only are some of his films among my favourite ever, he also seems like a good guy. I just don't understand why he's so consistently judged to be the best actor ever. I don't see a lot of range in "tough guy / crazy guy / hard-bitten family man / hard-bitten gangster". I want to see him as a henpecked husband bullied at work, or a marine biologist who bonds with a dolphin. Whatever - just something different.

He's arguably the best at this kind of role - but that doesn't mean he's the best actor, and the time has probably passed by now to put him through his paces and test that out. For a glimpse at what might have been, though, look out for any time his character has to cry. It's ridiculous.