5 Song Lyrics I Assumed Were Sex Stuff I'd Understand When I Was Older

One of my earliest memories is of a trampy young woman pinching my arse. I was young enough that I was holding my mum's hand, who didn't notice. The confusing mix of feelings has, I think, laid the foundation for a lifetime of bafflement re: women and their wily ways. Did she like me? Should I be flattered? Was I attacked? Is this where babies come from? Only one of these questions has been answered to date. ("Attacked" is such a strong word.) My toddlers' curiosity thus channelled, I began reading sex stuff into everything. And though this epiphany should really have led to me seeking therapy, I'm instead sharing some of the stranger examples in the name of fun. Avast!

1) "I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A CHAIN REACTION; YOU GET A MEDAL WHEN YOU'RE LOST IN ACTION" (DIANA ROSS)

OK, so I'm a lady who has just met a guy a like, and the merest thought of what he might do to me is causing my adult body to fizz and pop and ting all over like the death throes of a faulty pinball table. Must be great. OK. But now I'm the man who's about to try and justify her love. Is there a chance this might kill me?

2) "LOVE REALLY HURTS WITHOUT YOU" (BILLY OCEAN)

This one still confuses me. It's true that your own hand (or a sock or a microwaved banana skin) is no substitute for a nice comfortable lady-part, and can sometimes border on the painful, but for God's sake just find someone else. As a kid with no knowledge of this though, I assumed it ran deeper. It had me thinking sex may be some kind of lock-and-key deal, with both partners having to check compatibility before starting.

3) "PERO PIENSA QUE ES MUY IMPORTANTE MIRAR PARA ADELANTE" (SASH!)

They say ignorance is the root of fear, and this calmly overbearing granddad and the nervous protests of the teenager unsettled me quite a bit. What was that dirty old man up to?

4) "YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET" (BACHMAN-TURNER OVERDRIVE)

Now, I assume this one already alludes to sex stuff - but I felt it worth sharing that I was specifically

picturing Paul Daniels. More specifically, Paul Daniels in his bedroom doorway wearing only a Stetson,

preparing to unveil an exciting new sex move he has always had in his arsenal but has been keeping back, and is about to hit Debbie with now, as thanks for her years of faithful service.

5) "THERE'S NOWHERE ELSE TO GO, MY BLACK-EYED BOY" (TEXAS)

Yir ma has kicked ye oot the hoose like the scraggy scruff ye are. The train out of Scotland is no longer running. Buckle up, buttercup: violent jakey sex is now the only thing on your horizon.