Everything is Rubbish Now: 5 Casualties of HFSS

If you're not aware, HFSS stands for "high in fat, sugar or salt". UK regulations introduced back in 2022 have been gradually filtering through, and you've probably noticed it by now. For a while I thought I had Covid. But no - foods really are losing their flavour and becoming rubbish.

I feel like it's a uniquely British thing that we tell ourselves big people are brilliant while secretly passing laws to curb them. Yes, a healthy self-image is a wonderful thing, fat is the new thin, big is beautiful, anyone saying otherwise is a bigot at risk of being arrested - but make no mistake, to our government you are just as disgusting as you think you are. Hush hush fatty, you're amazing and you don't need to change - because we're making those changes for you. Here are 5 people receiving mixed messages.

1) HALLIE BUTT

This model describes herself as "body-positive", which is a term her agent told her would play well with clients. Neither of them know what the hell it's supposed to mean, but it sounds like good advice and work is on the increase. Not on the increase? Her happiness - thanks to her morning Coco Pops now being just bitter brown Rice Krispies.

2) RICHARD FILBY

Dickers is currently pursuing a complaint he made against a colleague who questioned why he was the only one allowed to work from home. It's absolutely his right to eat himself into a wheelchair and slowly to his death - but he will find this harder, now that Doritos are complete crap.

3) THE ONE ON THE LEFT

Do you remember when takeaway places would give you the fucking mayonnaise you asked for? And not "light mayo", which anyone with a working mouth can tell you is completely different and ruins whatever it touches? This woman remembers, and has taken to carrying a tub with her at all times. This has led to her getting salmonella, which she is currently suing Kebabulous for.

4) TERRI BAKEWELL

Terri knows she looks great however big she is. She had her own reasons for losing weight and they are none of our business. It took her 2 years to lose 6 stone, and to celebrate, she treated herself to a bar of Dairy Milk: a weirdly shiny, waxy, bland, rounded block of despair that made her wish she'd waited. She has the rest of her life to not get sacked for falling asleep at her desk, but the sweet creamy goodness is likely gone forever.

5) PAUL "UDDERS" RUDMAN

Paulie here really can claim that "most of it's muscle". Not that he's ever done so. He doesn't care what you think. But one thing he does care about is Pringles. He misses the 200g of oily, salty crunch his meaty paws could actually get to once upon a time. Making them smaller, and all dry and crumbly and powdery and shit, will do nothing for his weight. It only adds to our collective sadness. Why do things have to be like this...